Things That Make Me Uncomfortable

“I need an offensive pun NOW!” -Editor of the New York Post

Sun, 12 May 2013 21:46:18 -0400

“I need an offensive pun NOW!” -Editor of the New York Post

As I was walking through Brooklyn, I came across a little...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 13:55:34 -0400

As I was walking through Brooklyn, I came across a little football discarded on the side of the street with all the trash that was to be collected. Because I have homeless man tendencies, I picked up this seemingly unsoiled football and noticed it was a promotional product for ABC World News with Diane Sawyer. “Neat!” I thought, until I turned it over and discovered that it was autographed by my spirit guide, THE Diane Sawyer. HOW COULD THIS BE IN THE TRASH?! now I own a Diane Sawyer autographed football. Finally.

The sky made me feel like I was on the set of Ghostbusters.

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 12:39:45 -0400

The sky made me feel like I was on the set of Ghostbusters.

In case you haven’t heard, Ikea sells birds, or fågel, for very...

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 19:12:09 -0400

In case you haven’t heard, Ikea sells birds, or fågel, for very reasonable prices. Note: you have to catch them yourself.

My friend and I were about to sign a lease for a New York...

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 13:53:59 -0400

My friend and I were about to sign a lease for a New York apartment, when Jimmy McMillan appeared and reminded us that the rent was too damn high. He told us that we should, instead, invest our money in the action figure market. It’s apparently booming.

Just so you know, Ticketmaster made me type this to prove...

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 22:38:00 -0400

Just so you know, Ticketmaster made me type this to prove I’m a real person. I’ve never felt less real.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwTZ2xpQwpA

I would like to point out two things in this picture. First,...

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 16:18:22 -0400

I would like to point out two things in this picture. First, the fully-grown, adult woman on the left has a Twilight tote bag, presumably to more easily transport her Twilight novels. Secondly, and even more fascinating to me, the man on the right is deeply immersed in a biography of the late Aaliyah, published by the literary powerhouse, MTV Books; that’s right, MUSIC TELEVISION Books.

I’m going to lie down.

I can’t find a flaw with his logic.

Thu, 08 Nov 2012 16:14:27 -0500

I can’t find a flaw with his logic.

This is the best. R. Kelly would be proud.

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 10:00:05 -0400

This is the best. R. Kelly would be proud.

This sums up my life in comedy up to this point.

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 10:00:06 -0400

This sums up my life in comedy up to this point.

If you’ve ever found yourself asking the question, “Where can I...

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 17:22:05 -0400

If you’ve ever found yourself asking the question, “Where can I get some poison these days? And not just in small amounts,” the answer is Brooklyn.

“I haven’t checked recently, but there’s a chance we are, sure.”

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 14:49:00 -0400

“I haven’t checked recently, but there’s a chance we are, sure.”

I’ve seen bigger.

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 02:14:10 -0500

I’ve seen bigger.

Writing blogs

Wed, 19 Oct 2011 16:38:00 -0400

Can anyone really read this stuff? As a test, I’m going to post my bank account and pin numbers (#300922822981 & 7281). If I find out that my account has been overdrawn, I’ll probably crack a smile. That means some dope actually reads this junk.